Have you ever thought to yourself, “I want to be more cultured? I should go see a foreign film and become a more cultured human being.” If you desire to be more cultured, I applaud you. I myself accompanied a friend on a “jaunt of cultural experience ” to go see, (as they put it) “An artsy Foreign Horror flick.” Titane.

What is Titane, you ask? It’s a French horror film about a serial killer with a titanium plate in her head. She is impregnated by a Cadillac. I uh… don’t want to spoil the movie if you decide to see it, but yeah, that’s it. 


If you are still reading this, that means you are content with knowing the sordid details of the cars impregnating women, so here goes. 

Our main character, Adrien, is in an accident at an early age and needs a titanium plate in her head to survive. It gave me Kanye vibes. After this horrendous event, she finds herself very affectionate with cars. I’m guessing she’s attracted to the metal; maybe it’s comforting to her. Anywho, fast forward, and this grown woman is a famous exotic dancer who, I am sure you have guessed, dances atop a flame-painted Cadillac. She loves the Cadillac, and men from all over love her dancing on top of said Cadillac. She kills someone, and the car rewards her with the most amazing sex she’s had. 

Fast forward a bit, and Adrien finds herself pregnant and killing more people in what seems to be a really random fashion. She’s pregnant; she’s murdering people, now she’s on the run from the law. So what does homegirl decide to do? Alter her appearance and pose as a long-lost, missing child to seek comfort and sanctuary while figuring out her next move. The father of the missing boy, Vincent, takes one look at Adrien and says, “That’s my son! No DNA test needed.” I mean, come on now, they didn’t even check the gender, and now Adrien is going home with Vincent pretending to be a long-lost boy all while she is pregnant with a car baby! A CAR BABY! 

Instead of bleeding blood, old girl is leaking motor oil. I can’t make this up. Anyway, Vincent is trying to connect with Adrien, and it proves to be a challenging process. Adrien is afraid to speak because surely the father will find out she’s a she, which will ruin the plan. Come to find out, Vincent has probably known the whole time that this Adrien was not his long-lost son, but he needed to fill the void his son left. Adrien finally gives birth to the car baby, and that is essentially the end. 

I skipped a lot. You can still watch the movie and be surprised or disgusted. What is my take on Titane? It was awful, yet I wouldn’t discourage anyone from seeing it. If you are willing to invest time in the foolery, you will leave the theater with one of two feelings, you loved it or hated it. There is really no in-between with a film like this, and honestly, I think that is the goal of art. When I left the theater, I was perturbed, angry, confused; I wanted to talk about it, but I didn’t want to. It was a paradoxical situation for sure. I don’t know if I left the movie any more intelligent than when I walked in, but I appreciate film differently, which is a win for sure. On your quest for self-improvement, I highly recommend you find a film more sensical than Titane. 

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